You’re going to seem annoying and controlling, but…!
We all know what it’s like to be interrupted, have words put in our mouths, and be misrepresented. So, here are FOUR tips on the theme of owning our voices and stories, taking control of our narratives, and not allowing others to speak for us — UNLESS…(I’ll get to the UNLESS later):
Tip #1: DON’T ALLOW OTHERS TO SPEAK FOR YOU
When others constantly interrupt you and finish your sentences for you, first, they’re not respecting your boundaries, but second, they may have misinterpreted your intentions and thoughts and therefore represent you in a different light, which you don't want.
When this happens, you can politely interject and say things like, “I can speak for myself, thank you very much.” Or, no, “that's not quite it. Let me explain.”
This constant reassertion of yourself teaches other people to be more precise and respect your boundaries, but also allows them a chance to have a better understanding of you.
The journey to self-possession is a big theme in the literary context. Here are a few books as an example of searching for and finding and insisting on your own voices and stories:
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, by the Irish writer, James Joyce. It's a semi-autobiographical novel that follows the journey of Stephen Dedalus from childhood to young adulthood as he struggles with his own identity and his own path, having grown up in a strictly religious background, but really having values against his upbringing.
Persepolis, which is a memoir and a graphic novel by Marjane Satrapi. This follows her own development to young adulthood around the 1979 Iranian revolution. Having absorbed advice from her different family members and also social rhetoric, she challenges authority, asserts her own individuality and finds and forges her own path. So she finds her own story.
Normal People, also by an Irish writer, Sally Rooney, a contemporary writer. This one follows the journey of two protagonists to finding their own voices and changing and growing and developing over the years. They eventually learn how to confront their insecurities and become better communicators.
Educated by Tara Westover. This memoir follows Tara's journey from being raised in a really isolated community to setting foot in her first classroom at the age of 17 to then going on to achieve higher, Ivy League, education, and finding her own path.
As a side note, most of these books fall under the category of Bildungsroman. These stories generally follow a character's journey from youth to maturation. Focusing on their psychological, emotional, and mental development. I think that these stories of going through a journey to find yourself are great metaphors for our theme today, which is finding and owning your own stories and narratives.
Tip #2: BE PROACTIVE WHEN OTHERS REPRESENT YOU
When you choose and attorney or any kind of proxy to represent you, it's important to be proactive and collaborate on drafting statements that your proxies will use to represent you. We can't assume that people will have absorbed all of the details about our cases, or that they will not make mistakes — they are human after all — or that they can read our minds. So take charge of your narrative in order to prevent miscommunication and misrepresentations.
And here's the UNLESS part: Don't allow others to speak for you UNLESS you've actively helped them shape the story that will represent you, or if you trust them enough to shape even a better story than maybe you could come up with on your own.
Tip #3: QUESTION EVERYTHING!
Make sure that you read documents you are asked to sign or to agree to. And ask as many questions as you need. I know it'll seem that you're nit-picky or controlling, but this is your life. These documents often have major implications for the rest of your lives.
Tip #4: THE REVERSE: WHEN YOU SPEAK FOR OTHERS
What if we're in the position to represent others, whether because we're given the platform to do so, or that others lack the voice to do so, and we're electing to speak on their behalf?
It's essential that we dedicate effort to understanding all of the nuances and details of the case and all the perspectives of the situation. Synthesize all of the information and complexities, turn the info into accessible statements that other people can understand, and then relay it to other parties. Representing others well in this way is effectively like making a bridge between different parties.
Here are two films and a book that speak to this theme of speaking for others:
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. This is a wonderful nonfiction book by Rebecca Skloot, who researched the history of the woman called Henrietta Lacks, whose cells were used for medical research without her consent, knowledge, credit, or remuneration. And told her story.
“Erin Brockovich” is a film based on a true story. Erin was a legal assistant who took it upon herself to dig deeply into the situation where a corporation had contaminated the waters of a community and had harmed that population's health. She advocated for them and won a major settlement for them.
“Philadelphia,” is a film about a lawyer who initially hesitated to take on a wrongful termination case because of his own prejudices against HIV/AIDS that his client had. But he confronts his biases and not only takes on the case, but becomes a great advocate for his client.
OK, to recap: Take control of your own stories. Don't let others speak for you Play an active part in shaping statements that others will use as proxies to represent you. And do the same thing when you are speaking for other people.
I hope these tips empower you to take control of your own narratives.
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